Let me preface this post with something I have learned about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the betrayal or the hurt we have experienced was OK. Forgiveness does not excuse the other person or their behaviour. Forgiveness, acceptance and learning the lessons can however take us to a level that transcends the unforgivable behaviour.
Digging deep today! This post has been a few months in the making, churning around in my mind alongside my healing and the process of acceptance. Acceptance of another relationship assignment, the opportunity for more growth and lessons learned now rather than later! Besides all of this soul loveliness has been the raw and gut turning loss, the loss of a potential soul partner and rich new extended family. The loss for my precious little man whose beautiful new siblings have simply vanished.
Love is even more complicated when families blend. Broken hearts are multiplied and the potential for damage is greater. It turns out that the BIG love has ended up in BIG betrayal, something I did not see coming. Not because love is blind, simply because I am trusting, compassionate and always see the good in people. Something I am not planning on changing, even after picking up the pieces of my broken heart and soul yet again.
I accept that this was another assignment, another chance for me to embrace my own wholeness and share more of the learnings. It's OK to be single, being on my own is an experience that I treasure. It is sacred time, filled with meaning and intention. I am not interested in filling a gap, reaching a milestone or ticking a box. My life is rich with blessing, intense love and abundant hope.
Every relationship is a divine assignment, switching my mindset thanks to Gab Bernstein, this changed things for me. Yes I have had my fair share of relationships, marriage proposals, rejections, tough decisions to walk away; and countless romantic encounters. I have learned to stop myself comparing my relationship status with others though. If marriage and 2.5 children is your version of extraordinary then there is no way I am going to judge that! My version of extraordinary is a little different and that is perfectly fine.
My life is not about waiting for the perfect man, the perfect relationship, the right time, the right circumstances. It is about making the most of every moment I am blessed with, reflecting on the huge loss of my past and living a life that is informed and not defined by that. Losing my Mother, becoming a Carer and dealing with brain injury and cancer the way that I did from the age of 16 changed me. It gave me the ability to see beyond just waiting, living with low expectations and settling for less than that which lights me up.
So for now I continue on my healing journey, slowly restoring my energy and wellbeing after some of the darkest months of late. Letting go of my wedding planning as well as my resentment. Holding onto bitter or angry feelings is like holding onto a grenade that you hope to one day hurl at that awful person, the only problem is that you are the one who is going to get hurt! Letting it go, knowing that I have ultimately made the right decision to walk away from someone who has their own issues to live with, that is forgiveness. It is about forgiving myself for giving, loving and learning rather than holding back and playing it safe.